R0x to the MAX

Realising...

2008-11-16T02:46:00.003+08:00

Each of us hears, but we never realise. Or cares to learn what it implies. A varying change to all the things that happen each day changes me a lot. Remember a moment about all the posts of my blog. It is something like a chemical thought that makes memories untrue. For this few months I have been in a tough time. Glad that it is going to end.

I start up the day with a smile but I always end it with a frown. Why am I feeling so down with my days? People said that I had been very emotional nowadays. Undeniably true. I could not tell you why I felt this way. Because I think I felt it everyday and that I could not help myself. I just watched myself making my whole life dull. I know I should open my eyes wide and look out at the big world.
Make my life happier and enjoy the great thing of life. I promise I will....

Sad for no reason..,.

2008-11-10T00:36:00.005+08:00

Today I am sad for no reason. I tried to be good but yet I could not achieve what I need to do. My day just gone away. Besides being stuck between myself, I longed for his call so badly, sigh. (Not a sound from him today.) He must be busy, no time to call but I am sure that its not the time for me to fall. He does not know how I feel no time to tell him no phone call. Everything is because our time are different. His morning is my night where my night is his morning. It is as though we are so far apart. I have to wait for so long, so long for me to say what is in my heart when his away.

Time goes slow, I can not sleep, shame. Good night, my love I cant not say because he never rang this day because he is still in his wonderland.The only word I want to hear is simply: I love you

Some Proverbs to share....

2008-11-08T23:35:00.004+08:00

The smart make plans,
The wise don't count on them.
Fools always show their hands,
While the careful hold hidden gems.
The tolerant neither consent nor condemn,
But the intolerant, their tide can't be stemmed.

Which I found it is very true!! It is life's little wisdom. =) Motivates me a lot..

Sheny wants November to end...

2008-11-08T00:02:00.004+08:00

I'm bored...
My life is nothing but to study (only exam period)...
Feel bored of it yet stress to the max...
My life's becoming a virtual joke...
My pocket says RM5.00...
I can't earn more if I din study well...

Let me get to the bar
And relief!
Oh no.. I think he's going to be mad at me,
If I go without him...

I'm bored with this exam period...
Can't wait for December...

You really mean to me...

2008-11-06T19:32:00.005+08:00

Sisters, I know you've been sad. When I was mad, I know you've been happy. When I knew you were faking a smile, I know you've been compromising. I asked you if something was wrong? But you said no everything is fine, I asked you if you needed me, but you said no I have someone else, I asked you if you needed my help, But you said no I've got it...

Sisters, you mean the world to me, when I really meant it. I know I'm not always there. But when I talk to you, you always tell me what I missed. I'm not happy that much sometimes, but when I'm with you makes my day shine. I'm mad when you use harsh words on me, but I'll never say I hate you, when I really truly do love you...

I really love you. You know that is true. You mean the world to me. I just to let you know that I'm always here for you. I'm here to let you know how you really mean to me...

Confession Part 2...

2008-11-06T18:45:00.002+08:00

Perhaps what I am is false to them and I have no faith in what seems to be like in real life. Or perhaps they see what I seem to be and wonder. That I am facing myself conflict in judging people. But what can I do? Should I continue to pretend or pretend not to pretend? I am tired with those judgement. Life goes on. TOUGH, but be patient awhile, be patient, for it takes time to get used to one's space and life...

Confession Part 1...

2008-11-04T17:55:00.003+08:00

They were so nice to me. They made me so happy but I was living in a "dark secret". My dark secret was pure bad. I never understood with no REAL friends. Sometimes I found myself thinking about how real they are, how they take advantage on me and then it hit me badly. =( They were so obviously "using" me. I couldn't even say anything. What am I suppose to do then?? Hatred was all I was feeling.

My bestest friends...

2008-11-02T16:18:00.003+08:00

dear friends,
how's your life?
it's been a while since I heard you laughed,
I, sometimes, dream of us so clearly,
our past days are memorable and sweet,
the things keep our memory books so full!
the things we left unchanged are so many... =)

dear friends,
our days, our times,
that we used to spend together,
do you still have that memories?
we live our lives now, differently,
I wish all the best for you!
*Hugs and kisses*

THAT mood

2008-10-31T17:28:00.003+08:00

For some reason I am always just in THAT mood.THAT mood that I just can’t seem to define. It makes it hard to express myself. I just can’t explain. It gives me some terrible thoughts. I can’t stand to think these awful thoughts. Always worry. I guess I am too tensed. Gosh...

Goodbye 20...

2008-10-29T01:32:00.002+08:00

Birthdays come and go...
Which means, another day, another year.
What is it to fear?

As a women, we are like a fine wine. We will improve as time goes on. (Am I improving??)

Is age just a number? (Oh no. I'm getting older!)

I simply believe it don’t rule us. There’s so much more to achieve although the years turn so fast and time can’t be stopped. (Hopefully I can achieve SOMETHING before I turn 22...)

Little Celebration.. =)

2008-10-29T01:17:00.005+08:00

Can't believe I am 21..

Thanks to my dearest sisters and brother for the sweet little celebration. No party, no surprise, no presents... That don't matters to me. =) YOU are all I need!! Dear Susan, Celine and Jason, not forgetting you, bin bin and sayang. Thanks for cheering me up during my birthday!

Forgive Myself.

2008-10-22T03:09:00.006+08:00

"Tragedy happens,
We hurt people,
People hurt us,
The great power,
Is when you look at your reflection,
And are able to forgive yourself"

"I am confused. I had put myself into a conflict. I am lost. I can't get over this." This is exactly how I felt this morning. Depressed. Till I found this quote by Wanelisa Albert. I feel a slap in my heart. I was too selfish to look things in such negative ways. I was the one creating the self conflict and eventually make a mess of my great day. Why is it so complicated? I rather don't want to know. I think I just need the strength to forgive myself. I know I can do it!

Some people are you...

2008-10-21T01:19:00.005+08:00

Some people care about you, some people don’t care much. Some people make fun of you and walk away. Some people just walk past in your life, some people will hand you presents on your birthday. Some people might give you a pat on the back.

Some people you love might don't know how to appreciate it. Some people you don’t know treat you better than some people that you know. Some people I notice is being more like a hypocrite. Some people never notice you. But there is some people that always look.

Some people are other people...

Some people are you...

Inspired by Annie...

Hope is a good thing??

2008-10-19T02:11:00.004+08:00

I hope my family get a long like they used too,
I hope my grandma stays in my life,
I hope my dreams come true,
I hope me wanting to hope is not dumb,
I hope the right thing to do in life...

I hope who I am with doesn't hurt me,
I hope SHE will always be my best friend,
I hope HE doesn't ever leave me,
I hope God helps find away for us to be together,

I hope my family is happy,
I hope my friends are happy and thankful
for what they have in life,
I hope everyone learns how good is to hope
and pray for things you need.
I hope everyone thankful and glad to be here
in this world...

Another Stressful Day...

2008-10-13T22:55:00.007+08:00

I shut my door and put my head down,
I sigh and I turn away,
I wish someone would just understand what I am trying to say...

It's just an emotion without words to explain,
Sometimes I just need to not worry much,
because I know I can make it through...

I'm not sad neither nor I'm depressed,
I'm just stressed!
I'll say it again and again and again...

Heart breaking...

2008-10-04T23:24:00.005+08:00

Empty inside,
Don't know why it happened,
No feelings inside,
Don't know what to say...

Her WORDS were hurtful...
I can't do anything...
I'll remember it forever...

Depress...
Disappointed...
I'm giving up on her...!

Heart breaking?
Normal part of my life,
Hurts the same each time,
Never ending...

Warm welcome...

2008-10-02T23:10:00.006+08:00

Last week, was the greatest holiday of all. =) I was having my sweet time with my dearest boyfriend at NTU, Singapore. I enjoyed having our private time chatting and fooling around. Though he was suppose to be busy for his projects and preparation for his upcoming quizzes, he still put me as his priority. Never hesitate to spend his precious time with me.
=) Appreciate that, sayang! Muaks* Muaks*

Besides spending all the time with him, I also manage to gather again with a bunch of my ex-schoolmates who are taking their degrees in the NTU. We had steamboat in Kenny's room. That was cool!

Great time with you all!

After enjoying so much during the Hari Raya week, now I am ready to get my ass off to work. It should be the most critical time as my final examination is just one month away! Oh my God...

My Roomie...

2008-09-02T21:50:00.009+08:00

After being room mates for almost 5 months, I began to understand her well. We do share some similar hobbies. We love musics and are addicted to shopping! Well, during this semester, I had been spending most of my time with her. In fact, we do most of the daily routine together. Study, cook, eat, shop and even sleep together!! =)

What can I say about her?? She is exceptionally brilliant, spiritual and kind. She tends to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings (which I noticed). I am really glad that I have a sincere friend like her. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Thanks for your existence in my life. =)

Whoa...

2008-08-19T22:53:00.016+08:00

Wow... Without noticing, I actually had abandoned my dearest blog for more than 20 days. Could not imagine how busy I had been for the past few weeks. Let me list it out again: Faculty night, studies, assignments and works!

Tired to the MAX!!
How about giving myself a chance to breathe?

Go for a vacation or whatever...

Just get me out of here...!

HoMe...

2008-07-26T13:28:00.003+08:00

The struggle for survival was long and tough. Two weeks of torturing by the ill emotion in me and finally now, I am back to a place where I belong... Home...
Being home is the most wonderful thing on earth! But, why? I am not happy...

Untitled...

2008-07-10T22:57:00.004+08:00

It had been a few days
since I last hear your voice...
It felt like it had been years
since I hold tight in your embrace...
I tried to call but I missed it every time...
And I don't know why...
I got so frustrated and sad...
The ill temper in me is making me mad...
...

"Love leads to pain, pain leads to hatred."

I wish I could handle my emotions and love you right...
These weird feelings always come by when I least expect it...

1st Class...

2008-07-08T11:18:00.009+08:00

Today, I will be attending the first class of the new semester. I am neither excited nor I am eager about it. Shit! I feel so sleepy and dreamy right now. As the result of my insufficient sleep last night, my head is terribly aching and my eyes are heavy. So damn lazy for the lecture later. Oh no, no, no... These are a few symptoms of me slacking.

NO, IT IS NOT HAPPENING!!

The "devil" in me is taking over..!
Can anyone help me with this?
Perhaps some motivation? Please? =(

When 12am strikes...

2008-07-07T17:49:00.013+08:00

Everybody was in a hurry to log in the education web of UKM to register the course that should be taken for the coming semester when the clock strikes 12AM...! My house mates are smart. They went to the faculty the other night to copy the list of the best lecturers so that we will register in the right class. That's really amazing! Mind you. Do you know that one of the effective methods to score A in local university is not study hard but to choose a lenient lecturer? Believe me... Those lecturers give you A even though you don not study! So...

We all united around the table like this:

Everybody was so serious in making decisions on which lecture to register. Some will be calling their seniors for advice and some will be doing research on which courses to be taken. We look like professional planner huh? Hehe...

Finally... when all the right decisions are made, we came out with this:

No.	Course Code	Course Title	Set	Status
1	CCCE1433	MANAGERIAL ECONOMICS I	4	REGISTERED
2	CCCG2823	BUSINESS LAW	2	REGISTERED
3	CCCH2013	ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOUR	1	REGISTERED
4	CCCH2313	MANAGEMENT SCIENCE I	3	REGISTERED
5	CCCJ2013	PRINCIPLES OF FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT	6	REGISTERED
6	CCCK1023	MARKETING MANAGEMENT AND STRATEGY	1	REGISTERED

It's going to be a very tough semester for me. Worried. =(
So...

I promise I will study HARDER...
I promise I will not slack...
I promise I will not....

Throw IT all away...!!!

2008-07-01T01:16:00.013+08:00

Sitting there with so much frustration,
my heart was burnt,
I've reached my limitation,
of being treated like a dirt,
feeling as if you are abandoned...

So why do I still sitting there,
when it hurts so much,
tormented by their words and actions,
so fierce piercing through my heart,
I bet the pain is unbearable...

Feeling uglier by the end of the day,

my heart is completely ruined,
might as well throw all the shit away,
I won't let it walk over me,
No not any more...

Angry and depressed...!!!

2008-06-30T19:58:00.003+08:00

The bomb in me almost explode...!!! I am not sure what is the reason of me being so angry, moody and depressed. My head is damn aching right now. I am so freaking pissed!!! Is this what people say about having a "bitch fit"?

LoOk Like MoM??

2008-06-26T19:17:00.003+08:00

Introducing you the hottest Mom on earth... =)

Me...!
Wearing the same blouse as my Mom's... =)
Alike huh??

My LAST WORDS as a 1st year junior in uni..

2008-06-26T16:41:00.004+08:00

I feel so bad for slacking throughout the short semester. Sleep, eat, chat, and dream. Nothing better to do... One thing differs me from a real SLACKER is: I am with my dearest boyfriend. =) There are not much time left for us to enjoy our time together because our following semester is just around the corner. Both of us have critical time for the next semester because our results suck. Sigh...

For exactly one year, I had independently live alone outside but honestly, I hate it... I used to be one of the bright students during the school days but now, I am nothing. When I look at my result for the previous semester, I almost faint... I couldn't figure out the reasons why my efforts are not repaid. There are lots and lots of WHY appearing in my mind. And I don't know how to answer that...

My Lovely Siblings...

2008-06-12T14:19:00.002+08:00

Picture of us in the car... =)
It has been a very wonderful day.
We went for an evening brisk walk and enjoyed a lot...

Jason, you are our precious...
We love you very much...
MUAKSSSS....

Not Again...

2008-05-28T01:55:00.002+08:00

It's a damn cold night. The caresses of the cool breeze played over my face. It leaves me breathless. I'm standing on the bridge with my sisters but my mind is far away. Trying to figure out what life is all about. I see darkness. And it becomes mysterious when I start to feel that the one I want doesn't want me. I am waiting patiently for you. I thought that you will be here right now. However when I look back, there's nothing but the sound of the rain tapping on the ground.
My thoughts...
They ain't still.

My feelings...
They ain't the same.

My body...
It is not ME...

Am I too fat...??

2008-05-24T19:32:00.003+08:00

Arggghh... I am so pissed off. Gosh. Look at me...!! Fat!! I have no idea why I worry so much. I already have a wonderful life. My boyfriend loves me a whole lot and my family adores me so much... I have all a girl wants yet I am still so particular with this. Appearance seems to have great significance in my life. You can call me biased but, I abso-freakin'-lutely think that appearance makes or breaks you. I am so damn annoyed whenever I look into the mirror and see the REAL me.

Am I too obsessed?

Appearance indirectly reflect one's personality. To be honest, it is really difficult to change my mentality. I totally agree that we can't judge a book with it's cover, yet I am still so fussy about my look. I think ALL girls will agree with me... Don't you??

My Best Friends...

2008-05-24T16:51:00.003+08:00

Thank you for sharing my pain,
Although things would never change,
it helps to know you are near,
to bring me a little cheer.

Thank you...
For bringing me beautiful hues,
to refresh me like the morning dew.
The kind words you say,
brighten up my stormy days.
Please know you are appreciated,
for being there when I am hurt...

Speechless...

2008-05-23T12:00:00.000+08:00

The sky is gloomy. Don't have the mood to go out. Sigh... I'm sitting down in my room and starting to dream. Reminiscing what to do with my life. Suddenly, Mom called. She sounded so depressed. I couldn't tell you why she felt that way. And I couldn't help her. I just watched her make the same mistakes again. I couldn't find the reasons why. She has been rejected by Dad and now she can't find what she has left behind. And she is confused. Don't know where she belongs now. With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes. Too many problems. My heart aches when she speaks about it. I just hear her without any voice. Speechless. Lost.

There are a lot of words that I wanted to shout out loud. And tell her how wrong is she. Hoping that she will realise her mistakes. But, I am just too weak. My fragile heart was broken before. And I don't think it could endure another pain. I am nobody to object her deeds. She's my Mom. No matter what happens, I can't change the fact. I love her very much.

I will remain silent. Give a voice of support to her. Never give up on her. A hurting mind in need of emotion. My unspoken words shall bury in here. And it will not jeopardize for what I am today. I will be Mom's beloved daughter now and forever...

Mon Amour...

2008-05-22T18:34:00.000+08:00

The next person that I would like to introduce to you: Mr Henry Ong...
It had been almost half a year since we declared our relationship as a couple.
Hmm... Not bad... I am very proud to say that I am happy to share part of my life with him. He touches my heart without notice and brings sunshine to me. Nothing is greater than the rush that comes with his embrace. He is the only one who can make my heart beats faster and slower at the same time. From a very true friendship, we found each other as soul mates and move on into a deeper relationship. Dear Henry, welcome to my life......

Weird dream...

2008-05-22T12:14:00.000+08:00

This morning I had a very weird dream. Actually I don't really want to talk about it again but I... Nah... Perhaps I just need to blog. This will make me feel better? I don't know. Let me try...

When I first enter university, I met a bunch of cool friends and I thought my uni life will be cool. However, things starts to turn the other way in second semester. People change a lot. So do I. Maybe I am too "kiasu". I didn't do well in my last exam and so, I forced myself to do better in the coming exam. I had a very stress time after that. I am not happy. I kept myself in my room everyday to study. Trying to find a better solution for my failure. No activities. No outings. I am strictly disciplined. But, this don't affect my relationship with my friends. We still have time to go lectures and do assignments together.

A very good friend of mine, change a lot. Especially when she started to date. She neglected me. Kind of disappointed with it but, I am okay. Got to face the fact after all. We didn't speak that often. And we didn't hang out. Our relationship went worse when we started to discuss of moving out of the uni. Gosh. It hurt me a lot. I tried my best to make things right again. Successfully done..! But there is still a scar hiding in my heart. That makes me feel awkward every time I had gatherings with my new house mates. Now, everything seems to be so fine but, me...

I will move in to my new house this Sunday. Gosh. I am so nervous. I started to imagine my life in the new environment. Will it be fun? I don't know. Too much of curiosity and imagination of it led me to the weird dream. I guess. It is just one of my assumptions.

I hope everything will go smoothly. I don't want to have weird dreams any more...

HappY FamilY...

2008-05-18T02:19:00.000+08:00

Here.. Is my grandma and siblings...

I like this...
My Happy Family...

Delicious Cake Specially for Grandma....

2008-05-18T02:13:00.000+08:00

"Ah Ma, Happy Ah Ma's Day!!!"

Last Sunday Was Mother's Day...

2008-05-18T01:41:00.000+08:00

Mom couldn't make it... But, the celebration is still on... It is specially for my beloved Grandma. Grandma take cares of me since I was born. She feeds me and showers me with all the love she can give. She is like my mother. Understanding, loving, and caring... Though she loves to nag us, she always put us as her top priority. She sacrifices a lot to this family especially when Mom's not here. Prepare us our daily meal, do the laundries and etc... I am thankful and grateful that she is here. I am sure that my life wouldn't be so easy without her. I would like to take the opportunity in this special Mothers' Day to thank"AH MA" for all that she had done. I love you, Ah Ma.....

The Trios...

2008-05-13T13:21:00.000+08:00

Presenting to you...
The TRIOS in Koh's Family...

Hmm... What do you think?? Do Re Mi??
The seniority is in the descending order from the left which starts from Ta Jie which is ME... And the middle one is the geli-geli Er Jie, Ms Susan... Last but not least, here comes the gila-gila San Jie, Ms Celine... =)

Oops... We have three different outlooks aren't we? And we have different personalities too...
Ta Jie:
A serious yet thoughtful person.
Er Jie:
A picky yet sensible person.
San Jie:
A indecisive yet caring person.

Well, of course there are a lot of things we have in common.
1. Shopping....!!!
2. Eating....!!!
3. Sleeping....!!!
4. Listening to songs and watching movies....!!!
5. Playing poker....!!!

Both of my sisters are important in my life. We depend to each other to support our broken family and to shower Jason with love. They are as though a pair of wings that keep me moving on. Without them, I am nothing.......

The Greatest Gift Of All...

2008-05-13T12:30:00.000+08:00

Introducing to you... The greatest gift of Koh's Family... Mr Jason Koh!!!! Isn't he adorable? =) Jason is my youngest sibling and he is 13 years younger than me... Although we don look 100% alike, we still have some similarities... ;)
1. Physical look: We have round nose, we have fair complexion and... let me think again.. hehe.. ;)
2. Hobbies: We love to watch super heroes movies(eg: Spiderman, Batman, etc...), we listen to R&B songs( eg: Take You There by Sean Kingston, Apologize by One Republic Featuring Timbaland, etc...) and our favorite sports is swimming!!
Because he is the youngest of all, he gets the most attention from my family members... First will be our beloved Grandma, then Daddy and US (the trios)... He is the best in providing services such as: giving morning call (he is the most effective alarm clock) and doing household chores (sweeping the floor, preparing dinner). Once he makes any mistakes, there..... He gonna get scoldings from all of us... One by one... Haha... =)

He is everything to me... And, he is someone special in my life that I want to share with you...

Too much time...

2008-05-13T10:06:00.000+08:00

Previously, in my second semester, I barely have time to write blogs. Too busy:
1. STUDIES:
I had tons of assignments, tutorials and presentations to be completed. Not forgetting the examinations. I had attended the French Course too. It made me even busier. Other than that, I think I had become a little too passive? I did not join the activities held in my com. And, I used to go home every week because of some ridiculous rumors about a "malay ghost" called "orang minyak" who will sneak into your room with black magic and it will steal away your precious belongings and, etc... Oh... I am sick of it. I rather spend my weekend with my family and have my own sweet time at home... =)

2. WORKS:
At the beginning, everything is fine... Until, some parties who don't really like the way I am. FINE then... I quit... ;(

3. RELATIONSHIPS:
...My family-
I spent a lot of great moments with my family. My relationships with my siblings improved a lot! =) Lesser arguments between us... ;) I enjoyed every time we hang out.
...My dearest boyfriend-
We don't have much time together. He is too busy with his life in his university. So am I. However, we still manage to meet every month. Though the time we spent together is limited, we are grateful enough. We trusted each other and made it through. Yeah... There still will be arguments between us but there always solutions. No worries... =)
...My good friends-
We don't work out. Everyone changes. It is fine with me. Just a little disappointed. Naaahh... I don't want to talk about it now. =( Maybe next time......

4. HOBBIES:
I totally abandoned my hobbies since second semester started! No time!

Now, I am sure that my blogs will be updated. Too much time... (Currently) Hehe... My 3rd semester is something new and I am looking forward to express it out all in here... =) Check it out... ;)

Starting with 3rd Semester...

2008-05-13T09:08:00.000+08:00

In a blink of an eye, time had pass so quickly and now, I'm starting with 3rd semester in my university. I am supposed to attend my classes this week but guess what? I am having a 'vacation' at my boyfriend's university in Singapore. Great huh?

Today is the second day experiencing the life in this university and i don't really quite enjoy it. My throat is aching and I am not feeling well. I had a terrible sleep last night and got up very very early in the morning. *Just to play safe, in case there will be a spot check in the hostel. It is illegal for a girl to stay at a boy's room, but, I made it for the first night... ;)

The environment over here is so beautiful and tranquil. VERY VERY different from the local university in my hometown. The place is clean especially the men's toilet...! (Oops) Did i just admit that i went to the men's toilet? Hehe... (Yeah, I think I just did...) ;p They have very huge green field around here. The atmosphere is also quite good. Refreshing. But i am still so sleepy right now... Gosh...

Compared to my University, of course i have to admit that the university here is so much better. In both: externally and internally, they are good. Well, I did apply to this University last year when i received my STPM result. However, they only pick the best among the 'best'. Guess I am not good enough and not qualified to be in this university. It's fine...

What a day.....

2008-01-10T17:17:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a long time since I last logged in. Really busy of handling my uni stuffs, relationships and works. Finally now, i have my own space.

A lot unpredictable incidents happen lately. It kept me breathless all the time. However, it somehow force me to think wisely and start managing my life. No more last-minute-plan. Everything needs good and well plannings. I must even better at all this. Strictly disciplined.

In my last post, I mentioned about HIM. I'm glad that everything is fine now. Very disappointed that I actually receive some objections from another party about me and him. It is difficult to explain but I have no idea how to get rid of it. So i decided to not reveal my relationship to others. I'm okay with that. So do him. We impressed each other deeply. We understand each other well. That's all we need.

I can feel that my coming life in 2008 will be very stressful. I need to brush up my skills to improve. My results for the previous semester is so bad. Even how hard i try, it's not proven. I need to do better in this semester.

Oh no, what another day STRESSFUL day.......
I'm becoming more like a "problematic" person nowadays... Can't help it...

Infatuation Or Love??

2007-12-14T00:39:00.000+08:00

That night, he make his confession. My intuition did not lie me. We're both in love. Without hestitating, I agreed to give us a try. At first, I am worry that our feelings are not real. Is it just infatuation??

I longed for the relationship. And now, i finally had it. But, why i am still thinking of this?? I am really afraid that our relationship will not last long. Yesterday, we argue of some problems and I feel so hurt os his words. And it is obviously his fault. But I cant deny that I am partially wrong.

Today, when i see him again, I feel so pain deep in my heart. Though he had apologized a million times, I still could not make myself forget what he had said to me. Please tell me that, it's not going to over. I, I,..

Home Sweet Home

2007-12-13T23:53:00.000+08:00

Finally, I have the time to jot my words in this 'diary' again. Since i'm back to Malacca, I had been undergo a very busy and exciting time. Besides enjoying myself hanging out with my "heng tai and zi mui", I had a very hard time in completing the promotion of launching Mariah Carey's New Fragrance. It's really difficult to promote the new perfume because the fragrance sucks.
No matter how tough is it, I still manage to get over it.

Life been really tough for me here. I always worry of tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and etc.... My pocket is always empty. And I really need more money to go on. Sigh.... How??

Not only that, I have problems with my best friend, Smackny. Our problems is way too complicated and nah... really difficult to express it out. Let's not talk about this anymore.

Working nonstop and 12hours per day is a very big challenge for me nowadays. I am getting old already. I had got to admit that. Haha... But it wont take me down. Never.

Another worry...

2007-11-20T17:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, I had finished my last paper in my first semester. Feel relieved-a lot. But, there’s a part of me saying “Shit what a damn day.” It’s not because I did my exam badly or other reasons. But it’s my coming life in Malacca. After finish worrying for examination, now I have got to worry for my family’s financial problem.

Sigh… Seems like I can’t be able to relax properly during my first semester break, I thought. I don’t know how to comment about myself. Always have different things to bother-studies, love, and now money. My friends have always asked me to calm down and stop thinking of the unnecessary problems. Well, I don’t really think I can take it very easily.

“Put away all other minor worries. Now, Ms Sheny, you really got to concentrate to earn as much money as you can or there will be no new year for you.” That’s all I can say to myself now.

November is going to end soon. There comes December and year 2008. If my Dad still remains jobless, then New Year will be another bad memory for us four siblings. It had been two years for me and my sisters to celebrate it in the shopping mall- working. To be honest, I really want to enjoy it with all my siblings, Dad and Grandma at some other place-a place where we can relax and collect sweet memories. Too bad, I don’t think the day will come. I won’t aspect much- never.

.....What is Love??....

2007-11-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

Nobody can tell me the real definition of it. Well, it did not really bother me until I stepped into university… What is wrong with me?? Is it because of the loneliness that I had encountered?? I don’t know…??

Yes, I think I am prepared to begin a new relationship. However I am still hesitating. What am I thinking?? Arghhh…

At first, he appears to me as a very close friend. But now, I do have different thoughts of our relationship. I even have different weird feelings when I think about him. It’s indescribable!! Is this what that people always say: falling in love??

I don’t know what he thinks about me… My intuition told me that he only treats me as his sister… I hate this kind of complicated relation… I do not have the strength and the courage to confess… I mean, shouldn’t it be the man’s job to make the confessions?? Should I wait?? And regret for the rest of my life?? Or, confess??

Confused....

I can't control myself from thinking all the matters. It seems to be very distractive. Well, I guess all human beings are like that... Right?? We will always worry... Worry of being alone, worry of being cheated and all sorts of other unnecessary stuff...

No more War for now....!!

2007-11-15T03:16:00.000+08:00

Finally, I've made it! The 2hours and 15minutes War of Statistics have been ended up DRAW!!! I proudly present and give my special thanks to my "si fu", Kiddo Banana. All her efforts are not useless but instead helping me a lot to score better in Statistics. Although i had made some stupid mistakes in some questions and feel quite disappointed, i'm glad that it's over. So, i conclude that the war is DRAW.. nobody win.. haha..

In either more or less than a week, i'll be going back to my hometown. Malacca....!! My home sweet home. Going to get myself a job in the shopping mall and start to earn a little for new year-2008!! Need to buy some new clothings for my Dad and my siblings, pay the utility bils, and not forgetting some supplement food for Grandma...

I miss my family members so much. it had been a month being in the university, without granma's cook, Dad's voice and hear the laughter of my little cute brother and sisters. Miss them a lot..

A new day has come...

2007-11-12T22:04:00.000+08:00

Waking up in the morning, realizing that the clock never stops working. There comes another new day. Thanks to God for the wonderful morning. I feel fresh and energetic to start a day with a smile on my face. Forget about the sorrow. Forget about all the uncomfortable feelings. Today, I am looking forward to enter and enjoy the world of Statistics. No more dreaming in my own world…

I am glad that I have a god brother that cares me a lot and also BANANA by my side. They both make my day perfect! Okay, nothing is impossible for Sheny. Even the hardest obstacle also had been encountered. What say this?? Ha-ha... =) Happy to see I smile again. What a great pleasure.. No worries…..!!

“Life is like a brief candle.” say Shakespeare. I will take this quotation as a motivator. Do not waste time on petty problems.

Losing faith in me....

2007-11-12T01:12:00.000+08:00

Things don't seems to go well this few days. I am dreaming in my own world. My final Statistic paper is on this Wednesday. But i don seem to have the mood and the strength to face the paper. It s already Monday! But i didn't prepare myself yet. NOT AT ALL!! My mom dropped by, outings with friends, spent all night online chatting, these are what i've done during this small exam break. Useless me...
Instead of worrying about the finals, I was actually thinking of HIM... His words to me the other day. I quite sensitive at it.. Oh gosh... Is this the symptoms of loneliness?? Or is it that I am ready to accept a new guy and share my whole life with him??
It had been three years of me living by myself... I know it should be the right time to give others chances to love me, but I feel I am waiting for him. Somebody whom i am not sure. I am longing for a relationship that is still invisible. I don't mind waiting for another 3, 5, or 9 years from now... Just hope for the right person to appear in my life and love me the way i love him...
I am really mad of myself. Losing faith in myself. I am putting myself into fire at this time. I do not think i can do well in this exam. There is nothing i can do to get over this uncomfortable feeling... Just got to stop thinking of him......

Depression....

2007-11-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

I never think that spending a night with my Mom will be so uneasy. Though I am glad to know that she still loves me, I am disappointed to see all the changes in her. I don’t aspect the difference will be THAT much. I really got to force myself to face the truth. She’s no longer my “old-fashioned” Mom.

When I’m back to my room, I feel myself so depressed. I don’t know why but I am sure that it is mainly because of her. I love her very much. But, why do I feel sad about it?? Why am I so down??

Mom's coming!!!!!!

2007-11-11T00:51:00.000+08:00

After all this time she had neglected me, but today she called. She said that she is coming over to give me a visit. I am kind of surprise but very excited to meet her again.

I could remember vividly that day when I last see her. It was not a good memory after all. She always gives me heartache. Well, I do not know exactly why she leaves us. But, I think it’s due to the financial crisis that we faced. I still could not understand how a mother of four children can be so damn cruel. I always remind myself that she is only leaving us for a better life. But, did she think of us? She wants a better life, but so does us.

I admit that I am very angry and not happy with her decision. But after some period of time, I began to think the other way round. Perhaps she had lost her faith in my Dad? I do not know. Suddenly, I realize myself starting to understand her more. And so is the anger within me. It fades a little by little through time. Now, I do believe that time can heal the sorrow.

When I think of those memorable memories with my happy family, tears will automatically roll down my cheeks. I miss every of that moment. Now, all that is left is just sweet memories……

Sigh… Even though I am not angry at my Mom anymore, I still feel my heart aching whenever I think of her. What say meeting her later? I am also afraid if she brings her new boyfriend along. How should I react? I’m afraid if I’ll do anything embarrassing when I meet them later. Honestly, I don think I can take it!

2007-11-09T01:02:00.000+08:00

hello....

2007-11-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Hey everybody, this is my first time writing something more about me. I hope I can share it with anybody who’s reading it and hear comments about it…….

I am a 20 year old Chinese-Baba gal now exploring university life in UKM taking Business. What can I say more?? I think I do enjoy life in this university but, honestly I regret that I had chosen this university from the first because I’m interested in doing Accountancy rather than Business. I can say nothing but blaming myself for not doing further research about the education system in this university.

After striving hard for one semester, I found that actually Business is not that bad after all. And I start to think a lot about what interest me more. I still could not make up my mind but what I know for sure is that I would not want to have regrets in my life. So, all I can I do now is to accept and go on enjoying my university life.
No worries!!

Looking back to the past…………

Before entering the university, I admit that I’m an introvert. I do not mix so much and tend to be in my own world. I think it is ME that keep me “grounded” and at that time, I’m always alone. Perhaps it is the past that keeps me locked. When I was at my pre-university in Malacca High School, all I can comment about myself is that I always maintain a low profile.

And when I finally realized the dark side of me and had the thought of changing, problems strikes. I had no chance because at the same time my family is facing a critical financial crisis. I had to work and help my Dad with his debt. So coincidently, my Mom left me and my family to Sarawak. She then began a new life there. I have no idea why would she make such decision. My two younger sisters and a younger brother are all so young and innocent. Losing a Mom is a hardest thing on earth!! My STPM examination is around the corner too. I do not know what to do?? I do not know how to handle all the problems simultaneously. I pray to God and ask him to guide me. I knew I could not give up on my studies. And also, I could not give up on my family. The pressures I felt was indescribable. It kept me breathless all the time.

Soon, I force myself to adapt with the “new” environment. I’m not God, nor Angels. I’m just Sheny. I may do mistakes and I could not make wise decisions with my immature thinking at that moment. There are times I feel that running away is the best solution. Hiding the truth will keep me going on. Thanks to my friends, Jeslyn and Amy. They did not give up on me. They supported me morally and guided me through the difficult time. They asked me to hold on. However, I knew that they could not be with me all the time. I have to stand on my own feet. I have to help my beloved Dad. I have to take care and handle the broken family with love. I have to strive for the best in STPM examination.

After STPM, I felt better because my burden is lesser. But, my family problems are still not solved. Quarrels between my parents always keep me and my siblings down. As the eldest, I must be stronger! So, I have to continue working, give my Dad the best solution in handling the financial crisis and be a “mother” of my 3 younger siblings. All the way through my tough life, I learnt a lot. I appreciate everything that I had gained.
I’m grateful to my mom for abandoning me; it led me to be more independent.
I’m grateful to my dad for giving me so much problems; it led me to act wisely.
I’m grateful to God for all the obstacles; I am no more little Sheny.

Slowly, I started to understand myself more. And now, I’m already in University. Though the financial crisis is still there and it will be there for a long time, I feel I’m more prepared to face it.

When I am used to the “new” environment of my life, at the same time, I grab every opportunity to meet new people. I wanted to improve. I do not want to be “grounded” by myself like I always do. I wanted to taste the freedom that I have.

Soon, I can feel a big change in myself. I am a little different than what I am previously. I started to be a lively cheerful person. I love to be with people and to attract their attention. And I think it is good. Do you?

I am really happy that in my life, I met so many good friends. Fion, Henry, and others… Thanks to you all. You had brightened up my life. Though now my entire best pals were separated to their own destiny, I’m still glad that they did not give up on me. I love you all!!

Not forgetting the new friends that I met in UKM. My course mates, my com mates and others… Thanks for being part of my life. Now, I am really grateful to God for what I have now.

“I lose a lot…, but I regained more than I what that I had lost…
Believe it….. I really do…”

A “poem” that I wanted to share with you…….

I was waiting so long for a miracle…
Everyone told me to be strong,
“Hold on. Don’t shed a tear.”
Through the darkness and cruel time,
I know I can make it through…
Because….
I believe I will be touched by an Angel…

And now,
I do believe,
Because…
When it was all dark, now I saw light,
When there was pain, now there is joy…