Another worry...

Finally, I had finished my last paper in my first semester. Feel relieved-a lot. But, there’s a part of me saying “Shit what a damn day.” It’s not because I did my exam badly or other reasons. But it’s my coming life in Malacca. After finish worrying for examination, now I have got to worry for my family’s financial problem.

Sigh… Seems like I can’t be able to relax properly during my first semester break, I thought. I don’t know how to comment about myself. Always have different things to bother-studies, love, and now money. My friends have always asked me to calm down and stop thinking of the unnecessary problems. Well, I don’t really think I can take it very easily.

“Put away all other minor worries. Now, Ms Sheny, you really got to concentrate to earn as much money as you can or there will be no new year for you.” That’s all I can say to myself now.

November is going to end soon. There comes December and year 2008. If my Dad still remains jobless, then New Year will be another bad memory for us four siblings. It had been two years for me and my sisters to celebrate it in the shopping mall- working. To be honest, I really want to enjoy it with all my siblings, Dad and Grandma at some other place-a place where we can relax and collect sweet memories. Too bad, I don’t think the day will come. I won’t aspect much- never.

.....What is Love??....

Nobody can tell me the real definition of it. Well, it did not really bother me until I stepped into university… What is wrong with me?? Is it because of the loneliness that I had encountered?? I don’t know…??

Yes, I think I am prepared to begin a new relationship. However I am still hesitating. What am I thinking?? Arghhh…

At first, he appears to me as a very close friend. But now, I do have different thoughts of our relationship. I even have different weird feelings when I think about him. It’s indescribable!! Is this what that people always say: falling in love??

I don’t know what he thinks about me… My intuition told me that he only treats me as his sister… I hate this kind of complicated relation… I do not have the strength and the courage to confess… I mean, shouldn’t it be the man’s job to make the confessions?? Should I wait?? And regret for the rest of my life?? Or, confess??

Confused....

I can't control myself from thinking all the matters. It seems to be very distractive. Well, I guess all human beings are like that... Right?? We will always worry... Worry of being alone, worry of being cheated and all sorts of other unnecessary stuff...

No more War for now....!!

Finally, I've made it! The 2hours and 15minutes War of Statistics have been ended up DRAW!!! I proudly present and give my special thanks to my "si fu", Kiddo Banana. All her efforts are not useless but instead helping me a lot to score better in Statistics. Although i had made some stupid mistakes in some questions and feel quite disappointed, i'm glad that it's over. So, i conclude that the war is DRAW.. nobody win.. haha..

In either more or less than a week, i'll be going back to my hometown. Malacca....!! My home sweet home. Going to get myself a job in the shopping mall and start to earn a little for new year-2008!! Need to buy some new clothings for my Dad and my siblings, pay the utility bils, and not forgetting some supplement food for Grandma...

I miss my family members so much. it had been a month being in the university, without granma's cook, Dad's voice and hear the laughter of my little cute brother and sisters. Miss them a lot..

A new day has come...

Waking up in the morning, realizing that the clock never stops working. There comes another new day. Thanks to God for the wonderful morning. I feel fresh and energetic to start a day with a smile on my face. Forget about the sorrow. Forget about all the uncomfortable feelings. Today, I am looking forward to enter and enjoy the world of Statistics. No more dreaming in my own world…

I am glad that I have a god brother that cares me a lot and also BANANA by my side. They both make my day perfect! Okay, nothing is impossible for Sheny. Even the hardest obstacle also had been encountered. What say this?? Ha-ha... =) Happy to see I smile again. What a great pleasure.. No worries…..!!

“Life is like a brief candle.” say Shakespeare. I will take this quotation as a motivator. Do not waste time on petty problems.

Losing faith in me....

Things don't seems to go well this few days. I am dreaming in my own world. My final Statistic paper is on this Wednesday. But i don seem to have the mood and the strength to face the paper. It s already Monday! But i didn't prepare myself yet. NOT AT ALL!! My mom dropped by, outings with friends, spent all night online chatting, these are what i've done during this small exam break. Useless me...
Instead of worrying about the finals, I was actually thinking of HIM... His words to me the other day. I quite sensitive at it.. Oh gosh... Is this the symptoms of loneliness?? Or is it that I am ready to accept a new guy and share my whole life with him??
It had been three years of me living by myself... I know it should be the right time to give others chances to love me, but I feel I am waiting for him. Somebody whom i am not sure. I am longing for a relationship that is still invisible. I don't mind waiting for another 3, 5, or 9 years from now... Just hope for the right person to appear in my life and love me the way i love him...
I am really mad of myself. Losing faith in myself. I am putting myself into fire at this time. I do not think i can do well in this exam. There is nothing i can do to get over this uncomfortable feeling... Just got to stop thinking of him......

Depression....

I never think that spending a night with my Mom will be so uneasy. Though I am glad to know that she still loves me, I am disappointed to see all the changes in her. I don’t aspect the difference will be THAT much. I really got to force myself to face the truth. She’s no longer my “old-fashioned” Mom.

When I’m back to my room, I feel myself so depressed. I don’t know why but I am sure that it is mainly because of her. I love her very much. But, why do I feel sad about it?? Why am I so down??

Mom's coming!!!!!!

After all this time she had neglected me, but today she called. She said that she is coming over to give me a visit. I am kind of surprise but very excited to meet her again.

I could remember vividly that day when I last see her. It was not a good memory after all. She always gives me heartache. Well, I do not know exactly why she leaves us. But, I think it’s due to the financial crisis that we faced. I still could not understand how a mother of four children can be so damn cruel. I always remind myself that she is only leaving us for a better life. But, did she think of us? She wants a better life, but so does us.

I admit that I am very angry and not happy with her decision. But after some period of time, I began to think the other way round. Perhaps she had lost her faith in my Dad? I do not know. Suddenly, I realize myself starting to understand her more. And so is the anger within me. It fades a little by little through time. Now, I do believe that time can heal the sorrow.

When I think of those memorable memories with my happy family, tears will automatically roll down my cheeks. I miss every of that moment. Now, all that is left is just sweet memories……

Sigh… Even though I am not angry at my Mom anymore, I still feel my heart aching whenever I think of her. What say meeting her later? I am also afraid if she brings her new boyfriend along. How should I react? I’m afraid if I’ll do anything embarrassing when I meet them later. Honestly, I don think I can take it!

hello....

Hey everybody, this is my first time writing something more about me. I hope I can share it with anybody who’s reading it and hear comments about it…….

I am a 20 year old Chinese-Baba gal now exploring university life in UKM taking Business. What can I say more?? I think I do enjoy life in this university but, honestly I regret that I had chosen this university from the first because I’m interested in doing Accountancy rather than Business. I can say nothing but blaming myself for not doing further research about the education system in this university.

After striving hard for one semester, I found that actually Business is not that bad after all. And I start to think a lot about what interest me more. I still could not make up my mind but what I know for sure is that I would not want to have regrets in my life. So, all I can I do now is to accept and go on enjoying my university life.
No worries!!

Looking back to the past…………

Before entering the university, I admit that I’m an introvert. I do not mix so much and tend to be in my own world. I think it is ME that keep me “grounded” and at that time, I’m always alone. Perhaps it is the past that keeps me locked. When I was at my pre-university in Malacca High School, all I can comment about myself is that I always maintain a low profile.

And when I finally realized the dark side of me and had the thought of changing, problems strikes. I had no chance because at the same time my family is facing a critical financial crisis. I had to work and help my Dad with his debt. So coincidently, my Mom left me and my family to Sarawak. She then began a new life there. I have no idea why would she make such decision. My two younger sisters and a younger brother are all so young and innocent. Losing a Mom is a hardest thing on earth!! My STPM examination is around the corner too. I do not know what to do?? I do not know how to handle all the problems simultaneously. I pray to God and ask him to guide me. I knew I could not give up on my studies. And also, I could not give up on my family. The pressures I felt was indescribable. It kept me breathless all the time.

Soon, I force myself to adapt with the “new” environment. I’m not God, nor Angels. I’m just Sheny. I may do mistakes and I could not make wise decisions with my immature thinking at that moment. There are times I feel that running away is the best solution. Hiding the truth will keep me going on. Thanks to my friends, Jeslyn and Amy. They did not give up on me. They supported me morally and guided me through the difficult time. They asked me to hold on. However, I knew that they could not be with me all the time. I have to stand on my own feet. I have to help my beloved Dad. I have to take care and handle the broken family with love. I have to strive for the best in STPM examination.

After STPM, I felt better because my burden is lesser. But, my family problems are still not solved. Quarrels between my parents always keep me and my siblings down. As the eldest, I must be stronger! So, I have to continue working, give my Dad the best solution in handling the financial crisis and be a “mother” of my 3 younger siblings. All the way through my tough life, I learnt a lot. I appreciate everything that I had gained.
I’m grateful to my mom for abandoning me; it led me to be more independent.
I’m grateful to my dad for giving me so much problems; it led me to act wisely.
I’m grateful to God for all the obstacles; I am no more little Sheny.

Slowly, I started to understand myself more. And now, I’m already in University. Though the financial crisis is still there and it will be there for a long time, I feel I’m more prepared to face it.

When I am used to the “new” environment of my life, at the same time, I grab every opportunity to meet new people. I wanted to improve. I do not want to be “grounded” by myself like I always do. I wanted to taste the freedom that I have.

Soon, I can feel a big change in myself. I am a little different than what I am previously. I started to be a lively cheerful person. I love to be with people and to attract their attention. And I think it is good. Do you?

I am really happy that in my life, I met so many good friends. Fion, Henry, and others… Thanks to you all. You had brightened up my life. Though now my entire best pals were separated to their own destiny, I’m still glad that they did not give up on me. I love you all!!

Not forgetting the new friends that I met in UKM. My course mates, my com mates and others… Thanks for being part of my life. Now, I am really grateful to God for what I have now.

“I lose a lot…, but I regained more than I what that I had lost…
Believe it….. I really do…”

A “poem” that I wanted to share with you…….


I was waiting so long for a miracle…
Everyone told me to be strong,
“Hold on. Don’t shed a tear.”
Through the darkness and cruel time,
I know I can make it through…
Because….
I believe I will be touched by an Angel…

And now,
I do believe,
Because…
When it was all dark, now I saw light,
When there was pain, now there is joy…